Our Precious Testicles

by: Toni Lopes

The other day, I was able to wrestle the remote control away from my wife long enough to switch from her beloved Food Network to the Discovery channel for a re-run of their picks of the 25 Greatest Americans of All Time.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that a PR firm chose the finalists, as it seemed they had attempted to appeal to every age, gender, and political stripe. The end result was 25 famous Americans of varying levels of "greatness," ranging from safe and predictable choices (George Washington), to surprising and satisfying ones (Rosa Parks) to just plain bizarre (Lance Armstrong, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush).

George W. Bush? Anyway.

But despite that the 25 Greatest Americans came from vastly different backgrounds and varying points in history, to me all the choices appeared to have one thing in common: high Testosterone.

Martin Luther King, Neil Armstrong, Abe Lincoln, and Muhammad Ali; these guys couldn't be more different in terms of backgrounds, but each of them seemed to have one thing in common: huge balls. They had the nerve to stand up for what they believed to be right, putting their personal safety at risk to make small steps into a great unknown, steps that would one day translate into giant leaps for mankind.

Hell, even their pick as the Number One Greatest American, Ronald Reagan, had a really high-Testosterone quality about him. He outwitted the Soviets at the ultimate game of high-stakes Nuclear Texas Hold 'Em, and is forever immortalized as standing at the Berlin wall, challenging the Soviet leader to free the Eastern Bloc. "If you seek peace, Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate. Tear down this wall!"

That's a pretty cool footnote to have in history. Who cares that he starred in Bedtime for Bonzo?

It could be argued that the men (and women) we all revere as "great" likely had high Testosterone, simply because the mythic qualities that we commonly associate with high T are often characteristics of leaders and risk takers.

Strength. Determination. Decisiveness. Aggressiveness.

Testosterone, it would seem, embodies what it means to be a man.

But if America's greatest likely had high Testosterone, I'm afraid that guys in 2009 seem to have a lot of cards stacked against them. In fact, if left to his own devices, I'd be surprised if today's man would have much T floating around at all.

Today’s Batshit Crazy World

According to reports, the number of men seeking treatment for low Testosterone is at an all time high. In his book, The Testosterone Factor, Dr. Shafiq Qaadri contends that much of this is simply due to the fact men are living a lot longer than ever before and are attempting to treat symptoms of what is widely regarded as a natural part of the aging process. "Our bodies are built for only a 45 year journey, not a 80 year lifespan," he writes. "We just aren't geared up for a service warranty that runs so long."

But other authorities argue that even young guys have much lower T levels than their counterparts did 100 or 60 or even 20 years ago. Strength coach Charles Poliquin has gone so far as to say it was significantly easier to build muscle even 20 years ago because circulating androgen levels were that much higher.

Considering 20 years is hardly a blip in evolutionary terms, what is supposedly causing this acute drop in T in today's man? The physical causes that medical authorities all agree on are of the obvious sort like testicular trauma, tumors, and castration, as well as some genetic disorders.

But experts are starting to indict various lifestyle factors as causes of pre-maturely low Testosterone. Lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, smoking, and excessive drinking are now widely accepted causes, as is the use of certain prescription or non-prescription medications.

Stress, anxiety and other psychological disorders stemming from trying to cope with today's bat-shit crazy world may also play a part. And those Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI's) the drug companies want you to go on to mitigate those symptoms? While helpful to some, they aren't great for T production either.

But that's just what the starchy lab coats can agree on. Depending how far you care to venture into the fringes of human performance, the suspected causes of low T is one hell of a list.

There's insufficient quality sleep, too much artificial light, insufficient protein, and dehydration, as well as excessive aromatization, phytoestrogens, and xenoestrogens that leached into the Hungry Man chicken pot pie you microwaved for lunch.

There's excessive cortisol and what's referred to as "Pregnenolone Steal." Pregnenolone is the mother hormone of a number of hormones, including DHEA and cortisol, and there's only so much to go around.

Normally the system works pretty good, but in today's world the body's cortisol-fueled fight or flight mechanisms are on overdrive. Considering that in evolutionary terms, escaping a saber tooth tiger attack was more important than making babies, it made sense that the pathway to cortisol production took precedence.

But the system was built to deal with intense but relatively infrequent bouts of stress, not today's non-stop rat race. Today that occasional tiger attack on the savanna has been replaced by a daily 2-hour commute on the 405 stuck behind a Buick Skylark doing 40, driven by an 80-year-old man in a tweed Rex Harrison hat, left turn signal still flashing from when he left the driveway earlier that morning.

Even our precious testicles themselves are taking a needless beating. Those skinny jeans that are all the rage with today's Emo youth? Couple that with a pair of tighty-whiteys and you might as well transport your junk in an egg poacher.

And what about the electromagnetic disturbances from having your Blackberry glued to your person at all times? Hell, at least Plaxico Burress was smart enough to keep his phone in a holster and his Glock by his Johnson, even though it didn't turn out so well.

One Big Conspiracy

It's like the world is conspiring against your hormonal health. Your kid can get a bacon-chili-mozzarella Fat Bastard Burger with extra large fries and a 4-gallon soda to send him on a trans-fat laden hormonal rollercoaster ride for $2.99, and get a free Transformer to boot. But a single free-range chicken at Whole Foods will cost you $80, and a week's worth of groceries from there requires a second mortgage and a signed letter from your banker.

You can buy booze, cigarettes, and "foods" that would make a billy goat puke. You have the government's libertarian blessing to make absolutely horrendous lifestyle choices and render your body a sick, weak, diseased, health care dollar sucking sponge.

But try to get proactive about your health and longevity, Testosterone-wise, and you'll be held back, shut down, and in some cases ordered to do 3-5 years in the iron bar hotel, sharing a cot with a guy doing 18 months for holding the night shift manager at Taco Bell hostage with a toilet plunger.

Of course there are effective, legal supplements that provide support for your natural Testosterone production. But be wary of telling all your friends if anything works too well cause if the last ten years has taught us anything, it's that the FDA will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to copy the positive attributes of steroids.

With so much against us, it's a wonder we have any T at all?

So if these are all suspected causes of low T, where are the victims? Why isn't every red-blooded guy canceling his NFL Sunday Ticket subscription and auditioning for a part in an upcoming production of South Pacific?

Well, that's part of the problem. The symptoms of low T are pretty insidious. It's not like on Monday you're kicking ass doing covert contract work for Blackwater and on Wednesday you're studying flower arranging.

The first signs for men are subtle, and eerily similar to those seen during menopause in women —increased irritability, inability to concentrate, and depression. The symptoms are subjective and situational, and often the type of thing that if a normal guy noticed it at all, he'd just "man up" and put his head down and grit his way through it. For weeks, months, years...

Until it seems that's how life is just supposed to be.

Naked and Covered in Extra Virgin Olive Oil

This is one occasion when you gotta love bodybuilders. Bodybuilders tend to be much more self-conscious of their T levels. While few actually bother to get formal blood work done, they'll often have all kinds of theories to determine what's going on inside their bodies hormonally, ranging from training indicators (better pumps), to psychological (better mood), to sexual (morning tent poles).

My personal favorite came from a friend of mine. He always "knew" his T was high if he started attracting attention from random women without even trying. His theory was that the fairer sex somehow "smelled" his high T, which subconsciously made him attractive to them due to his apparent ability to be a protector and worthy father.

He even challenged me to watch him stroll through a shopping mall to witness first-hand the bevy of women that would follow him around like a 260-pound pied piper in clown pants. The fact that the 2 grams of test a week he was taking likely rendered him chemically castrated apparently didn't matter.

But I read arguably the best self-diagnosis of low T levels just last week, on the Internet of all places:

"The only way you'll ever know what low Testosterone feels like is if you've ever felt what high Testosterone feels like. And vice versa."

Hmmm. Not bad.

Looking back at my own life, there was a stretch where I'm pretty sure that I might have had low T. It was a time when workouts were unfulfilling, my mood wasn't so hot, and indecision ran high. Not surprisingly, it was also when I juggled school and work, ate inconsistently, stayed up very late and slept very little.

I started to feel better when I was able to get back on track and return to a more bodybuilder-friendly lifestyle of six small meals a day, lots of protein, gallons of water, fish oil, veggies, squats, deadlifts, plenty of sleep and ZMA. Certainly nothing surprising there.

But what was surprising was, without even noticing it, I found myself going out more, traveling more, and enjoying life more. People even told me I looked younger and healthier.

The change for the better was subtle, and nothing like a light switch being turned on. Just an overall enhanced feeling of well-being that you don't even notice, until one day, you walk by the television to see Food Network darling Rachael Ray making a 30 minute beef Stroganoff and say to yourself "Ya know, if she was butt naked and covered in E.V.O.O., I might just take a serious end-run at her."

Then it hits you like a ton of cookbooks: You've been away for a while. Now you're back.

The obvious question in my own little example is, was my Testosterone actually low or was I just overwhelmed by a high stress, high demand period in life? Honestly, given my age, my lifestyle was more likely to blame. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to write off any connection between the little things we can do every day and our T levels.

I suggest to at least err on the side of caution. Ditching your cell phone and quitting your job may be out of the question, but you can try at least to get to bed earlier, eat more protein and good fats, and avoid trans fat.

You can attempt to minimize the stress by asking yourself "how important is this in the grand scheme of things?" and practice better time management. But most importantly, you can make sure to take time to just chill. Have fun with the guys. See more strippers. Play sports. Train heavier. Watch UFC (actually, watch Arianny). See more strippers. Take ZMA. Try Alpha Male. See more strippers.

I seriously doubt any of this is the key to long-term happiness. But if what I felt earlier was low T, then given the choice between low T and high T? Shit, I'll take the high road every time.

And at this rate, if Rachel Ray is starting to look good enough for a romp, what about fellow Food Network stars Giada De Laurentiis? Or Padma Lakshmi? Or Nigella Lawson?

You can keep the remote, honey. I'm starting to dig this channel.

Allez cuisine!